a milestone …

This is the week that my “year of firsts” ends. I can’t say just how happy I am that God has brought me through!

It was a year ago that I finally stood up for myself and my children and told my now exhusband to leave. He had told me a year earlier that he wanted a divorce and so started a difficult time of arguments, and him spending way too much time with his “best friend” I gave him many opportunities to repent and come back to his family, even having godly men talk to him with little results. I told him it was me or her…and that if he could not let that friendship go then he had to leave. He chose to leave and a few days later I found out that they got an apt together. And then I was a mess and was brought to a point where I opened up to others at our church and let them minister to me in my time of need.

So much has happened in a year! So many challenging things, so many blessings! God has healed me of depression and anxiety. He brought me thru 2 weeks of withdrawals from my antidepressant.  He has provided miraculously for me and my children. I aced my very 1st semester of college (one day I will go back!). He provided me with an awesome job with a church that has helped change my life. He is continually healing my hurts and restoring my children who have been through so much. He has brought some awesome people into my life. He has opened the doors of restoration with my relationship with my family. There is so much more I could list! God is good!

While I hated that I had to go through this, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have grown so much and feel so much more alive. I still have my ups and downs. I still feel a range of emotions when I see my ex (or his girlfriend for that matter) I allow myself to feel them, but not consume me so I don’t get bitter. No matter what I feel at the moment, my prayer is that they both truly experience God’s love for them and be in relationship with Him.

My anger and hurt have already faded some over this last year, and am looking forward to healing more in the future. I cannot be more thankful for a loving God who has brought me thru!

To Be Right or To Love…

I just finished another great book a few days ago, based on a documentary, called “Lord, Save Us From Your Followers” by Dan Merchant. I have not seen the movie yet, but want to in the near future.  And  interestingly enough, there is mention of the book, “Blue Like Jazz” in it, and its opening weekend for that movie (I have not read the book yet, but it’s on the list to read soon).  Anyway,  Dan Merchant addresses a topic, that is one of those things that has bothered me for some time: Why is the Gospel of Love dividing America?  The major theme that I got out of it was that much of the division is stemming from a serious breakdown of communication. Basically people want to be heard, and they don’t want to listen because THEY are right and the other person is wrong.  It hit home in quite a few areas, and I realized just how  much I agreed with his findings on his 2 year experiment as “Bumper Sticker Man”.

I cannot count how many times I found myself talking with others, especially those with differing opinions, and discounted what they were trying to say. Whether it’s politics or religion, or whatever. I was right, they were wrong…obviously they were ignorant or stupid or something for them not to realize how right I was! But the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more I just feel that there is something wrong with that attitude. I see it in others on Facebook, at church, at the store…wherever, and it just feels so wrong…like we are missing something that can make a huge difference in a lot of lives.

We spend so much time dividing ourselves in our politics, religion and morals that we create exclusive cliques in our lives…nothing more than high school translated into adult lives. I have my own opinions, that don’t necessary jive with mainstream Christianity, but I hope that I do not isolate myself … I hope to get to know people for who they are, and love them where they are at.

Let me make this clear, I am a follower of Jesus, I do not identify politically with either side, (and in all honesty, my voter’s registration card does say republican, but that is because I haven’t changed it since all this stuff God has been showing me the past few years lol Reading the book mentioned, and some of the previous books that I wrote about in my other blogs, makes me think about the inconsistencies in mainstream Christianity. These things bother me on some level…and its just something to think about.

Growing up in small town Oklahoma, I learned a lot about being a “Christian” (and don’t get me wrong, I am thankful some friends did bother to let me tag along to church, because there were positive seeds planted too). Oh, and I hope that you do see the humor in this description lol. I learned that everyone who did not attend the FBC (ahem, Southern Baptist church) was either a little weird because they went to another denomination(and you were really weird if you were a Catholic or Mormon) or quite possibly godless.  If you were popular you could party all weekend, show up on Sunday, and it was all good. If you had the blessing of going to church camp, you got to hear all the rumors of the “sinning” that was happening. If you were a girl, (and not popular or pretty) you avoided a certain bridge at this camp where guys would rate you…and had the possibility of getting barked at in the face by a guy (which happened! LOL) You could get saved every week, or at least at every youth rally. If you made the True Love Waits commitment, you were one of the good kids. If you happen to “accidentally” break that commitment , you didn’t dare tell your friends (at least the ones who went to church) because everyone knows that if you have sex before you were married you were a slut. The only way it was ok to talk about homosexuality was if you were calling someone derogatory names or talking about bashing them. Atheists, well we prayed for them a lot because they were on their way to hell and they had no morals. Oh, and most importantly, Christians were republican and members of the NRA and pro-life.

Now, like I said, there were some positive things that I did learn, but there were things like these that on some level just bothered me. What is disturbing to me, is that there is plenty of this crap going on, with ADULTS in churches today! I don’t want to assume that I know what Jesus would do in certain situations, but here is what I THINK after reading this book and others recently:  Jesus probably would not have been republican or democrat. Jesus would not be a member of the NRA. Jesus would have been pro-life in the deepest sense…He would love on the women who got the abortions because of their need for Him and their hurts (not that He was approving of what they chose, but because He sees their deepest needs), And in the course of being pro-life, that would likely have meant anti-war, anti-violence (how can we “love our neighbor” and hurt/kill them), and Jesus would be hanging out with the homosexuals and Atheists, because He loves them too.

I don’t write these things to argue theology. I write them because after reading this book, it is not important for me to be “right”.  At some point we have to choose to be adults, and be mature enough to talk about the issues without having to be right. I think there is hope that we can discuss things and try to see the other points of view without  it turning in to a huge debate or argument. There are so many things, especially in Christianity, that make us passionate, and its easy to push everyone else aside.  I guess I find myself in a place, where I am stepping out of the line…along with some others, saying “there must be a better way.” I am realizing that I can be confident in my walk with Christ, and that others are not a threat to it. There are real, live people on the other sides of these issues and regardless of whether or not they give me the same courtesy or not, I can choose to hear their side. I can hear THEIR passion, I can see THEIR hurts, and see God in THEM. I can choose to step away from the norm of being right, and walk on the path that leads to Love. If I am going to truly love people for who they are , then I need to see them as God sees them.

So those were my thoughts on that matter. May we all choose to see people how Jesus sees them.

Beyond Service…

The more I have reflected on serving and what God’s call might be in my life, I find myself realizing that serving in church is easy.  It’s when you start hearing God call you beyond what is comfortable where it gets hard.

The past couple of weeks I have been diving into books written by people I want to be like.  My ultimate goal is to be like Christ, but there are people who are striving to be like Him too, and I am learning so much! My friends on FB and in real life probably get sick of me mentioning Shane Claiborne, and now Mother Teresa, but there are is much to be gleaned from their lives. I also look forward to whoever God leads me to read about next! The more I read about them, the more I realize that I should be doing more…not that I should add another activity to my serving schedule at church, but that I should be concentrating on doing small things with great love. I should be striving to see Jesus in everyone, and reaching out to the hurting, to the outcasts, and whoever else God brings my way.

That’s all easy in theory. I struggle with knowing how short I come to truly loving my neighbor. I know that I cannot be perfect, and that I will mess up, but I want to be so much better! I find myself avoiding people that probably need me (or better worded, Jesus in me). Or looking the other way. Or thinking of how much better I am. Sometimes I don’t even realize it until after it’s all said and done! Then I end up talking with God, admitting how awful I am, and thankful He is patient and loving. He is ever working on me, helping me be more aware of my shortcomings so I can work on those areas.

 Just this morning, He reminded me that I am still resisting Him. For the past 2 years, He has really wanted me to trust Him (ok maybe my whole life! lol). He picked me up when I was cast aside, and held me at some of the loneliest moments I have experienced. He revealed His love to me and delivered me from depression and anxiety. He has provided for me and my children financially and emotionally. There is so much, and yet I hold back. I still hold on, wanting to stay in control. But then there is the other part of my heart wanting to let go. I am thankful that I am more aware of that tug of war in my heart…because I think not having that awareness is worse. At least I know so I can pray about it specifically. I don’t know why I feel like I can’t fully trust Him, He is good, and would never hurt me. Maybe it’s because I feel so unworthy to be used by Him…I don’t know.

What I do know is God is calling me to something so much bigger than my life. There are still a bunch of unknowns, but I do know that He is calling me to let the rejected and outcasts know that He loves them. I have brief glimpses of part of it, but there is an overwhelming feeling of how broad it could be. I know that God has filled my heart with such compassion and the desire to help people…even since I was a child! And now, I know trusting God is going to be an important part of this call.

 I have to admit that I am a bit scared and excited…kinda like a wild roller coaster ride. I am praying about all of it, and reading all I can. I am also being faced with my own insecurities and faults. I know that my call will be relational…which means risk. For me I will have to risk getting hurt again by people in general, and that’s pretty much a guarantee. I will have to risk people misunderstanding me, and I will have to be secure in my identity in Christ. I have to weigh how it may affect my family, and make sure whatever I do, is what He wants me to do. There is so much to consider and I have to be careful not to let considerations paralyze me with inaction.  All I know is that I want to love on people with the love God has given me, so by doing so I pass on His love, so that they may one day do the same.

 

Here is a passage I read by Mother Teresa in No Greater Love

Who is Jesus to me?

Jesus is the Word made flesh.

Jesus is the Bread of Life.

Jesus is the Victim offered for our sins on the the cross.

Jesus is the sacrifice offered at holy Mass for the sins of the world and for mine.

Jesus is the Word to be spoken.

Jesus is the truth to be told.

Jesus is the way to be walked.

Jesus is the light to be lit.

Jesus is the life to be lived

Jesus is the love to be loved.

Jesus is the joy to be shared.

Jesus is the peace to be given.

Jesus is the hungry to be fed.

Jesus is the thirsty to be satiated.

Jesus is the naked to be clothed.

Jesus is the homeless to be taken in.

Jesus is the sick to be healed.

Jesus is the lonely to be loved.

Jesus is the unwanted to be wanted.

Jesus is the leper to wash His wounds.

Jesus is the beggar to give Him a smile.

Jesus is the drunkard to listen to Him.

Jesus is the mentally ill to protect Him.

Jesus is the little one to embrace Him.

Jesus is the blind to lead Him.

Jesus is the dumb to speak for Him.

Jesus is the crippled to walk with Him.

Jesus is the drug addict to befriend Him.

Jesus is the prostitute to remove from danger and befriend Her.

Jesus is the prisoner to be visited.

Jesus is the old to be served.

 

 

 

On Serving…

I have been wanted to write a post on serving for several weeks and after all the reflecting I have done this past week, it’s high time I write it lol  My mind has been going in several directions on this topic, so hopefully I won’t jump around too much.

This week, while emotionally challenging (for various reasons), has brought about an awakening inside me that I wasn’t sure ever would happen. My battle with depression and anxiety had taken such a toll on me mentally, that even after God healed me, I was left with a feeling that I had lingering “damage” from it. I cannot do the situation justice in my description, but I felt “slow”, numb, and having to re-learn how to deal with emotions in a non-depressed state. I felt wholly inadequate in my job and serving, and felt guilty for not having a passion for something.

A few weeks ago, I was serving in Toon Town, and had to FIGHT with all I had not to run out in tears (which honestly may have been because I was sick that day lol). There I was trying to lead a discussion with some little girls, and it was going nowhere fast. I felt like such a failure! I used to work so well with children in classroom settings and the like, and I couldn’t even get the tiniest bit of interest out of these kids! I was so frustrated and felt like maybe I shouldn’t be helping. My prayer since then has been for God to restore my mental/emotional capacity, and I hadn’t really paid attention to what He was doing in that aspect until now.

Conversations with various  friends  and fighting through a week where I was STRONGLY tempted to isolate and give in to depression knocking on my door has helped bring in clarity (which will be fine-tuned even more when I go through Chazown and actually finish it lol) The one passion I have is serving/helping in any way I can. Serving has played a HUGE role in my healing from depression and divorce.  It helped me get my butt up off the couch and get the focus off myself.

The more I serve, the more I see people for who they are and more aware of those in need.  There are so many people going through things I can’t even imagine, and there are far more people who share in my struggles that I thought.  God has done so much for me in the past couple of years (and my life!!!) that the least I can do is give back to Him by showing others His love.  My prayer now is for God to refine that vision further. I have no clear direction (career-wise)  and I am believing for provision so I can go back to school (if that is the path He wants for me!)

Along with all that “processing”, I have given some thought about relationships and serving. I have been a follower of Christ for quite a while now, and have seen things that just bother the heck out of me (and in almost every church I have been to!) Time and time again I have seen people get involved at church and everything seems great….well until they get involved with “Mr. or Miss New Relationship”.  Then suddenly serving and ultimately their relationship with God gets put on the back burner. I am not saying everyone who has a boyfriend or girlfriend does this, and there are times when they maybe choosing to go to the other’s church or whatever. All I am saying is if you are single, be aware that you could find yourself in a similar situation. Set your standards NOW before all that lovey-dovey stuff blinds you! lol I should add the following to my “dating standards” blog post (If I haven’t already lol) : —–> Serving God and going to church is important to me…I will not stop those things just because we are dating. I have no problem serving alongside you or going to church together, but I will not stop everything and put you before my commitments to God. If you have issues with that, then don’t bother asking me out 

To sum it up, my faith in God is my life…He is the reason I press on.  Serving is something that pours out of me because of how much I love Him. He has done so much for me, and I see what He is doing in those around me…I can’t help but do all I can. My life is so much more than sitting around and doing what I want. If I am going to be on this earth, I might as well do everything I can to give love and hope to those hurting…because God has sent others in my life when I needed.

————-

1 Peter 4:10-11  As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace:  (11)  whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies–in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Galatians 5:13  For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

 

 

My “story” is not my own…

For it was not even written by me. Every moment, every experience intentional. It may even have been written just for you! For the Author has something He wants you to know…and maybe by linking my “story” to yours you will see.

What does mine say? I often wonder, and pray that it is clear: That God loves you, more than you can comprehend (no matter how cliche that sounds!)

Even in those moments when you are sure no one understands. In those moments where you fear for your life. Maybe you are held captive by depression and you can’t see the way out. Or maybe you have been tossed aside and given up on…even in those moments He is there and He is love.

I am not great at quoting Scripture and or even remembering where certain ones are at. I don’t know much, but His Word is in my heart and I have my “story” that He wrote. Day by day, another chapter of the testimony of what He has done and is doing is added. I am awestruck at where I was and how far He has brought me.

As I learn of others’ stories, I see that their stories are for me too. A great reminder that I am not alone on this earth and I see His hand writing their chapters.

Hi, my name is Kristie, and I am socially awkward!

Now that we got that out of the way, time to dive into this blog post. lol! It seems that this has been something that has been in my heart lately, probably because I both love and that I am that way. A couple of years ago I wrote a post about hating that I am shy. I didn’t think much has changed since then (as far as the frustration of that part of me) but I know God has been causing me to think on it more and more.

For as long as I can remember, I have been shy, and anxious around people. The problem is that you can’t avoid being around them unless you want to be seriously messed up. I end up feeling torn  because I feel that way but I also have the intense need for fellowship with other people. I used to accept it just who I was, and I can’t change that…but I am pretty sure God called me on my crap lol. I have went through part of my life not caring what others think and speaking my mind. Then the more I got hurt by others, the more I pulled back. The more I pulled back, the more depressed I got.

I know without a doubt and believe that God has healed me of my depression. I am so thankful for that!!! But I also know that there is always a possibility I could fall back into depression, if I don’t learn to deal with triggers.  One of my triggers happens to be fear (anxiety). Fear can be healthy in truly dangerous situations, but in everyday life, it takes the focus off of what reality is. My social anxiety causes me to over analyze each situation.  There are many reasons why: I don’t want to embarrass myself, I want other people to like/accept me, sometimes for reasons I can’t figure out.  I get so worked up, I can hardly talk straight and I think I won’t make it through.

When I look at this side of me logically, I kind of laugh at it.  It seems so silly for those who don’t struggle with it…but it’s a very real problem. I see how absurd it is…to be fearful of talking with people I don’t know…to be scared of some new situation. I struggle to make friends… I don’t get it. This is probably the one area of my life that the enemy routinely attacks from, and I have got to stop it.

God has already done so much  in my life in the past year and a half.  Before that, I was withdrawn, depressed…just letting life happen… waiting to die. I was so deep into depression and anxiety, I really believe it messed up my brain function (it’s tough to describe, but things are just different than what they were) I had pushed away any and everybody I had ever cared about, convinced nobody could every really care for me. Over this time period, I have been healed (thank you,Jesus!!!!) of the depression. The healing from the anxiety has been slower. I continue to push myself by serving in different areas at church. I love helping others, and doing what I can.

I had been doing alright for a while, but there have been a couple of situations over the last couple of weeks that reminded me that I still have a long way to go. God has also been reminding me over and over, that He wants ALL of me…not just little bits. By letting this fear run my life, I am not trusting God to take care of those situations and I am not giving Him everything.  And that ties into a fear of completely letting go….ugh! lol  I know that as I let go, then God can fill those areas where fear tends to take over.

I used to pray that God would make me different…that I would be bold and outspoken. I have had dreams/visions of speaking in front of crowds sharing my story of how God has changed me. I still want those things, just not in the same degree. I want to embrace myself for who God has created me to be. I may not be overly bold or outspoken. I may never speak in front of crowds,but my reason should not be based out of fear

Psalms 27:1  Of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

 

 

Life in the Checkout line…

There are plenty of interesting folks that come through my line at work. As a cashier, I get glimpses into people’s lives seconds or minutes at a time. Honestly, I am not totally happy doing what I do, but I choose to make the most of it. I choose to provide the best service possible, while getting an up-close opportunity to people watch. Over the last few weeks, I have been blown away by seeing the process of generosity as people bought things for friends, families, employees and strangers. I have been frustrated on a deep level at poverty cycle, as people roll up with carts full of stuff, and have no concept that their limited amount of money cannot cover all those items. Trying to explain simple math in seconds is a frustrating thing when the customer does not understand (and I am NOT frustrated with them, I am frustrated that it is possible to be illiterate when it comes to basic math in this country…if that makes sense) And then there are situations like what I encountered this evening at work.

A tall, muscular man, that was possibly not much older than me came through my line. I had a hunch, by the “high and tight” hair, that he was most likely military, and his jacket confirmed it (Marine). He was visibly upset, I could see the mixture of fear/anger/anxiety all over his face. He looked at me while he said this, directed toward the man behind him. “Be glad I took my happy pills today, they hand them out to me like crazy since I came back from Iraq. The last guy who did that, ended up on the floor.” I laughed uncomfortably, as I sensed this was an awkward situation between the Marine and the man behind him. And then it dawned on me, what was wrong with the Marine….PTSD. My heart instantly went out to him. By the time I had realized what was going on, the Marine had left.

The older man came up, “Did you hear that guy muttering about happy pills?! All I did was accidently bump into him, and put my hand on his arm and say  ‘sorry.’” The tone in his voice was less than sympathetic. He had a look on his face that implied he thought the Marine was crazy. I calmly and politely informed the man what had happened. “That man most likely suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. A lot of people serving in the wars are coming back and struggling with it. My father has struggled with it since he came back from Iraq, and it’s a very real problem. The littlest thing sets it off,  even my son who was hovering over him triggered the feelings. Its so sad that they have to suffer from that.” Needless to say , that man did not say another word about it.

I found myself battling tears for the next few minutes. Realizing what ignorance there still is in this world, even around those who have been around long enough to know better. I also realize the huge sacrifice that our military makes. Its one thing to be willing to lay down your life for your country, but you have to lay down your physical, mental and emotional health as well. That Marine, is going through his own personal hell, with very few people who understand him. If he is married, then his marriage is likely in jeopardy because of it. He went to Iraq, one person, and now he and his family have to come to terms that he is not the same person.

I find myself wishing I had said something….anything encouraging to the Marine. I pray the next time I encounter someone such as he, that I would at least say , “I will be praying for you” or something! And I pray the next time you encounter someone, who comes off as “odd” or crazy, that you won’t just assume that those impressions are true. There are plenty of folks out there struggling with mental illness, injury or similar situations that affect them.

And to those in the military, especially those with PTSD, thank you. I may never fully understand what you all sacrifice, but there are those of us who at least see enough to know that you are struggling and we are praying for you.