I have hesitated writing this post for quite some time given the sensitive subject matter. I feel the time has come for me to share at least what has been going on in my life for well over a year now. Not because it is anyone’s business, but because I feel it is part of my journey in life, a huge part of my spiritual growth. I will do my best for this post to state the facts, and not go over the line and turn in to a bashing of anyone.
Last June, my husband asked for a divorce. The reasons he gave me, dealt with how I had not been dealing with my depression. It had thoroughly consumed me, in such a way that I isolated myself, and my children. At the same time I neglected my husband and my children, because I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety. These things (depression, anxiety and fear) have been something I have been dealing with since I was a small child, and were intensified by the 2 previous abusive relationships.
To say that his announcement was a shock is an understatement. I went immediately into a despair. I was hysterical, desperate, and wanted to do anything possible to salvage my marriage. Things were crumbling so fast, and I felt like I had been run over. I truly did not believe that things were all that bad. It was a whirlwind of tears and emotion. I was either crying or pretending he wasn’t going to leave. My poor children, were watching me come undone. While I wasn’t suicidal, I was likely heading down that path.
I reached out and found a Christian counselor through a recommendation. I also made the decision to be put on an antidepressant. My blood pressure had gone scary high because of the constant stress, so I was put on a bp med as well. The first 2 have helped me tremendously in my healing. I am not ashamed to admit that I needed outside help. I had prayed and believed and had so many people praying for us, but I knew that I needed more help to get me stable.
During this time (and sometime before) my husband developed a deep friendship with another female. Needless to say, this was a MAJOR issue with me. I am not going into any more detail, than that. It was a constant source of concern for me. Yes, I was jealous. Yes, I was (and still am) angry. Above all, I am hurt.
I had thought I would never divorce him, but after much prayer, tears and discussions with some of my Christian friends, I made the decision to file for divorce. I had prayed 2 very specific prayers, and God answered each of them consistently, so I knew it was what I was supposed to do.
We are now separated, and I can say, this is the first time in a long time I have had total peace over a decision. Things are tight financially, but God has been faithful to my children and me. I am growing so much in my faith, and have built some awesome friendships in the process. Each day, God helps me feel stronger and stronger. And all glory be to Him, I am healing from depression, fear and anxiety. My dream is that this cycle ends with me (meaning it will not go beyond me to my children etc)
I am going back to school. In June, I began life as a full time student, pursuing a degree in Public Service. I know I want to help people. Maybe in a church, maybe in a nonprofit of some sort….where ever God leads at this point! I am starting to live life again, with new perspective and freedom (through Christ!). I so look forward to what God brings to my future.
This is by no means the complete story of what has been going on. I don’t want to get into all of that, and I don’t want to sling things around carelessly. I just pray that it can serve to encourage other women out there who may be facing a similar situation. Don’t lose heart, may God strengthen you and keep you going!
