For as long as I can remember, I have been shy, and anxious around people. The problem is that you can’t avoid being around them unless you want to be seriously messed up. I end up feeling torn  because I feel that way but I also have the intense need for fellowship with other people. I used to accept it just who I was, and I can’t change that…but I am pretty sure God called me on my crap lol. I have went through part of my life not caring what others think and speaking my mind. Then the more I got hurt by others, the more I pulled back. The more I pulled back, the more depressed I got.

I know without a doubt and believe that God has healed me of my depression. I am so thankful for that!!! But I also know that there is always a possibility I could fall back into depression, if I don’t learn to deal with triggers.  One of my triggers happens to be fear (anxiety). Fear can be healthy in truly dangerous situations, but in everyday life, it takes the focus off of what reality is. My social anxiety causes me to over analyze each situation.  There are many reasons why: I don’t want to embarrass myself, I want other people to like/accept me, sometimes for reasons I can’t figure out.  I get so worked up, I can hardly talk straight and I think I won’t make it through.

When I look at this side of me logically, I kind of laugh at it.  It seems so silly for those who don’t struggle with it…but it’s a very real problem. I see how absurd it is…to be fearful of talking with people I don’t know…to be scared of some new situation. I struggle to make friends… I don’t get it. This is probably the one area of my life that the enemy routinely attacks from, and I have got to stop it.

God has already done so much  in my life in the past year and a half.  Before that, I was withdrawn, depressed…just letting life happen… waiting to die. I was so deep into depression and anxiety, I really believe it messed up my brain function (it’s tough to describe, but things are just different than what they were) I had pushed away any and everybody I had ever cared about, convinced nobody could every really care for me. Over this time period, I have been healed (thank you,Jesus!!!!) of the depression. The healing from the anxiety has been slower. I continue to push myself by serving in different areas at church. I love helping others, and doing what I can.

I had been doing alright for a while, but there have been a couple of situations over the last couple of weeks that reminded me that I still have a long way to go. God has also been reminding me over and over, that He wants ALL of me…not just little bits. By letting this fear run my life, I am not trusting God to take care of those situations and I am not giving Him everything.  And that ties into a fear of completely letting go….ugh! lol  I know that as I let go, then God can fill those areas where fear tends to take over.

I used to pray that God would make me different…that I would be bold and outspoken. I have had dreams/visions of speaking in front of crowds sharing my story of how God has changed me. I still want those things, just not in the same degree. I want to embrace myself for who God has created me to be. I may not be overly bold or outspoken. I may never speak in front of crowds,but my reason should not be based out of fear

Psalms 27:1  Of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

A tall, muscular man, that was possibly not much older than me came through my line. I had a hunch, by the “high and tight” hair, that he was most likely military, and his jacket confirmed it (Marine). He was visibly upset, I could see the mixture of fear/anger/anxiety all over his face. He looked at me while he said this, directed toward the man behind him. “Be glad I took my happy pills today, they hand them out to me like crazy since I came back from Iraq. The last guy who did that, ended up on the floor.” I laughed uncomfortably, as I sensed this was an awkward situation between the Marine and the man behind him. And then it dawned on me, what was wrong with the Marine….PTSD. My heart instantly went out to him. By the time I had realized what was going on, the Marine had left.

The older man came up, “Did you hear that guy muttering about happy pills?! All I did was accidently bump into him, and put my hand on his arm and say  ‘sorry.’” The tone in his voice was less than sympathetic. He had a look on his face that implied he thought the Marine was crazy. I calmly and politely informed the man what had happened. “That man most likely suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. A lot of people serving in the wars are coming back and struggling with it. My father has struggled with it since he came back from Iraq, and it’s a very real problem. The littlest thing sets it off,  even my son who was hovering over him triggered the feelings. Its so sad that they have to suffer from that.” Needless to say , that man did not say another word about it.

I found myself battling tears for the next few minutes. Realizing what ignorance there still is in this world, even around those who have been around long enough to know better. I also realize the huge sacrifice that our military makes. Its one thing to be willing to lay down your life for your country, but you have to lay down your physical, mental and emotional health as well. That Marine, is going through his own personal hell, with very few people who understand him. If he is married, then his marriage is likely in jeopardy because of it. He went to Iraq, one person, and now he and his family have to come to terms that he is not the same person.

I find myself wishing I had said something….anything encouraging to the Marine. I pray the next time I encounter someone such as he, that I would at least say , “I will be praying for you” or something! And I pray the next time you encounter someone, who comes off as “odd” or crazy, that you won’t just assume that those impressions are true. There are plenty of folks out there struggling with mental illness, injury or similar situations that affect them.

And to those in the military, especially those with PTSD, thank you. I may never fully understand what you all sacrifice, but there are those of us who at least see enough to know that you are struggling and we are praying for you.

Until next time….Merry Christmas

Top those feelings and pains with trying to explain to kids why things will be different, and unexpected things keep popping up, creating more burdens. And I will not be around either of my parents for Thanksgiving, for various and understandable reasons…and that kinda hurts too…thankfully I will at least be spending it with my Grandma, brother, and sis-in-law.

My heart goes out to others who must be going through similar situations. All these changes, all this processing and growing, its not fun. I know it would be impossible to make it through this without God’s help. I know that this pain will ease over time, and that there will be new memories made. Its always these first’s that hurt the most.

I wanted to write a blog to write down some things about dating and such. I wanted a place to direct possible dates, suitors,boyfriends etc so they know what’s what before I even consider giving them the time of day. They need to know what my standards are, and if they don’t like it, they can’t say that they haven’t been warned

Please don’t think this is me saying I am already set to start dating, because I am not. Some of you may know of a commitment I have made: No dating for at least 6 months after the divorce, and even then it will be a consideration. I am in no rush to get into a relationship. My priority is God and my children. I do not want to keep repeating the same cycles that have plagued me my whole life. I have learned I deserve to have my standards in men set high…because I deserve it. Most of my life, I have felt that I deserved the worst men, and the abuse. I felt like I didn’t deserve to ever be happy. Now I know that I am worth being treated good.

So here it is, boys…this is what you need to be aware of BEFORE I can give you an answer. These are not not necessarily in order of importance (except  the first 2!)

• God is first in my life – to be in my life, you will not be my other half, you will be a third! He is what I live and breathe for. He is my everything.
• My children are a priority and are part of the package – They are my gift from God. For too long they have been pushed aside by men who have come in and out of my life. This will not happen anymore. You treat them like crap, and I guarantee that you will never see me again.
• God must be first in your life – I will watch you, and will ask around. You must love God more than anything. You must love God more than I do, you must love God more than me. If not…see ya!
• If you have kids, they better be a priority too! Just like I stated for me, they are part of your package. If you are just lookin’ for a momma for your kids, then look somewhere else. I love children, but cannot do that emotionally, and I definitely won’t do that to my kids either.
• I am not a booty call! Ok, time for me to be a little blunt, and this might be TMI, but needs to be said. I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU! I am done with that part of my life. I do not “hook up”, I do not “play around”.  Unless  we are married, it ain’t happenin’.  I don’t feel the need to explain it any further.
• I deserve to be treated well. I am not a gold digger, and I am not asking for gifts or expensive dates. But please don’t take me to McDonalds (or the like) for a date. I will laugh and then promptly hang up, block, etc if that even comes out of your mouth or fingers…Seriously, it can be  a cheap or free date (heck, you can use a groupon or something! LOL), but give it some thought! Lol
• Don’t start talkin’ marriage right away! In the past, this has happened, and its crazy! Ugh. I know this is typically a guy thing, but for me, I am in no rush!
• You will have to EARN my trust and respect – Yes, obviously been burned in relationships. Yes, honestly, I do have trust issues. I am being upfront, so this should not come as a big surprise. You will have to work your tail off to prove to me that you are worth my time and emotions! I have to be cautious for the sake of my emotional health and for the benefit of my children. Yes, I have issues, and so do you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! lol

Okay, so I think that is it for now. I am sure I will have more to add, so this will be a “work in progress”

I made it through my summer semester of school with flying colors, but had to drop the fall semester as it was too much for me at the time. I kept falling further and further behind…I know I could do each assignment, but it was the amount of work that was piled on top of me that made me drop. I need to pay back some grants before I can go back, and I don’t know when that will be. I am hoping to get a part time job to make ends meet (especially since I don’t have the financial aid coming in). I have some things that I am helping a friend out with, that could potentially end up being a job, BUT that is all in God’s timing. And I have to figure out what to do from here until that happens.

It seems like every day I am further and further behind on bills. I make sure my house payment is made and my van, and everything comes later, if the money is there.  Then there is the fact that my feet and knees are in constant pain, due to arch issues I have had since Feb. there are some days that are bearable, when I have stayed on top of taking ibuprofen 800’s day and night.

And then there are the comments that come from well-meaning (or at least I hope so!) individuals that have no clue exactly what is going on in my life.  They can assume that I am being lazy, that is their problem. Through prayer, God has told me “Patience”. He has timing in everything, including finding a job.  But I don’t expect everyone to understand that.  They can assume I didn’t do enough in my divorce. I know that I did what God wanted me to do, by not taking him for everything he’s got. Yes, he deserved it, but I couldn’t get a peace about doing that to him.

Even through all this adversity, I can’t give up. I won’t give up. I keep on going, by a Strength that is bigger than me. He understands me at my core, and He has always been there. He has blessed me with friends who accept me and encourage me  through this. He protected me years ago when my first husband abused me so badly, and He healed the wounds that were left from all of that. He was there when I was a little girl , when I was convinced I was unlovable.  And He is here for me now, reminding me I am worth so much more than what I settle for.  One thing He has brought to mind is that my hardships are not only for my growth, but so others can see His glory and hand through it all. And that is my hope. I don’t regret anything, even when times are tough. I know these hard times are only temporary.

Last June, my husband asked for a divorce. The reasons he gave me, dealt with how I had not been dealing with my depression. It had thoroughly consumed me, in such a way that I isolated myself, and my children. At the same time I neglected my husband and my children, because I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety. These things (depression, anxiety and fear) have been something I have been dealing with since I was a small child, and were intensified by the 2 previous abusive relationships.

To say that his announcement was a shock is an understatement. I went immediately into a despair. I was hysterical, desperate, and wanted to do anything possible to salvage my marriage. Things were crumbling so fast, and I felt like I had been run over. I truly did not believe that things were all that bad. It was a whirlwind of tears and emotion. I was either crying or pretending he wasn’t going to leave. My poor children, were watching me come undone. While I wasn’t suicidal, I was likely heading down that path.

I reached out and found a Christian counselor through a recommendation. I also made the decision to be put on an antidepressant. My blood pressure had gone scary high because of the constant stress, so I was put on a bp med as well.  The first 2 have helped me tremendously in my healing. I am not ashamed to admit that I needed outside help. I had prayed and believed and had so many people praying for us, but I knew that I needed more help to get me stable.

During this time (and sometime before) my husband developed a deep friendship with another female. Needless to say, this was a MAJOR issue with me. I am not going into any more detail, than that.  It was a constant source of concern for me. Yes, I was jealous. Yes, I was (and still am) angry. Above all, I am hurt.

I had thought I would never divorce him, but after much prayer, tears and discussions with some of my Christian friends, I made the decision to file for divorce. I had prayed 2 very specific prayers, and God answered each of them consistently, so I knew it was what I was supposed to do.

We are now separated, and I can say, this is the first time in a long time I have had total peace over a decision. Things are tight financially, but God has been faithful to my children and me. I am growing so much in my faith, and have built some awesome friendships in the process. Each day, God helps me feel stronger and stronger. And all glory be to Him, I am healing from depression, fear and anxiety. My dream is that this cycle ends with me (meaning it will not go beyond me to my children etc)

I am going back to school. In June, I began life as a full time student, pursuing a degree in Public Service. I know I want to help people. Maybe in a church, maybe in a nonprofit of some sort….where ever God leads at this point! I am starting to live life again, with new perspective and freedom (through Christ!). I so look forward to what God brings to my future.

This is by no means the complete story of what has been going on. I don’t want to get into all of that, and I don’t want to sling things around carelessly. I just pray that it can serve to encourage other women out there who may be facing a similar situation. Don’t lose heart, may God strengthen you and keep you going!

I was excitedly filling in my counselor on my recent achievements in my algebra class, and he praised God right along with me for my success. I also discussed my disdain for my English class. I went on to explain how I hated nonspecific assignments and the rigidity of having to do it a certain way. “I mean…well…” I thought out loud, “I don’t want to seem like I am bragging or boastful, but I have a gift for writing. And now that I think about it, algebra.” He then promptly asked if it was such a bad thing to have those gifts. Then he brought up false pride, and I wondered what exactly was false pride. I wondered so much I had not caught all he had said. I got the impression that I shouldn’t apologize or try to explain myself when I state I have an ability to do something well.

Too often in Christian circles, we don’t want to look prideful or like a braggart, so we preface each time with things like “I don’t want to sound like I am bragging…” , “I am sorry if this sounds wrong….” etc. After some thought and prayer, I wonder if I should be more confident in my gifts. God created me this way! The Creator of the universe blessed me with these things to use for His glory and for the benefit of others! I could be doing something that may be considered worse than bragging or boasting, I could be rejecting His gifts. I am acting as if I am ashamed of what God has done.

I have no real answers, but I hope that this will at least get you to think about it and look at it at a deeper level. Here are some Bible verses and quotes that spoke to me on the subject:

Proverbs 18:16  A man’s gift makes room for him and brings him before the great.

Proverbs25:14  Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of a gift he does not give

James 1:17  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

1Peter  4:10-11a  As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace:  whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies–in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.

1Timothy  4:4  For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,

Romans  11:29  For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.

Rom 12:6-8 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

1Corithians 7:7  I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

1Co 12:4-11 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

There is a false self-distrust which denies the worth of its own talent. It is not humility – it is petty pride, withholding its simple gifts from the hands of Christ because they are not more pretentious. There are men who would endow colleges, they say, if they were millionaires. They would help in the work of Bible study if they were as gifted as Henry Drummond. They would strive to lead their associates into the Christian life if they had the gifts of Dwight L. Moody. But they are not ready to give what they have and do what they can and be as it has pleased God to make them, in His service – and that is their condemnation.
Charles Reynolds Brown

 
In the upshot there is only one answer for the preacher who wonders whether he is worthy to preach the sermon he has composed or for the writer who wonders whether he is worthy to write the religious book he is working on. The answer is: Of course not. To ask yourself: Am I worthy to perform this Christian task? is really the peak of pride and presumption. For the very question carries the implication that we spend most of our time doing things we are worthy to do. We simply do not have that kind of worth.
Harry Blamires

Refusing to accept God’s love because we’re unworthy – of course we’re unworthy! – is another golden calf.
Madeleine L’Engle

Finally, there is false humility, thinking of one’s self less than they ought. If Joe were an insecure person, or too proud to endure any mocking from his peers, his pride could actually lead him to assume a position of ‘false humility’. Under this condition Joe would accept and even come to believe he was not a very good mechanic. He may silently consider his talents as being worth more, but in his actions and conversation would insist on taking the position that any of the other mechanics were truly better mechanics than himself. This is not only unhealthy as a self-esteem issue but can lead to inner resentment for accepting a station that is below his true capabilities. from : http://www.singlescafe.net/pride.html

There is a pretended boldness for Christ that arises from no better principle than pride. A man may be forward to expose himself to the dislike of the world, and even to provoke their displeasure, out of pride. For ’tis the nature of spiritual pride to cause men to seek distinction and singularity; and so oftentimes to set themselves at war with those that they call carnal, that they may be more highly exalted among their party. True boldness for Christ is universal and overcomes all, and carries ‘em above the displeasure of friends and foes; so that they will forsake all rather than Christ and will rather offend all parties, and be thought meanly of by all, than offend Christ. And that duty tries whether a man is willing to be despised by them that are of his own party, and thought the least worthy to be regarded by them, is a much more proper trial of his boldness for Christ, than his being forward to expose himself to the reproach of opposers. (Jonathan Edwards, Religious Affections, 352)

That night, God had something else He wanted me to know.  I never expected Him to show me so clearly, but He did knowing, that I needed this more than anything. I was praying, and decided to do the safe place visualization. Some of you may know what that is, and others may not…essentially its a place in your mind that you can go, and feel God’s love any time, especially when you are overwhelmed or depressed. I have struggled with it, due to some of my personal issues, and the distractions that come with having family responsibilities. Anyway, I wanted to share it…I will be quoting from what I wrote down that night:

“I saw my tree. I walked around it a bit, sat down, then walked around a bit more. I felt myself looking up, warmth of the sun on my face. And I started to dance and twirl a bit, feeling happy and joyful, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I look toward my feet, and they seem to move away from me. I look up and see a blond haired girl dancing and playing, it feels like I am her, yet I am watching. I know that its me at about 6 yrs old. I see a man, who is watching on, taking great joy in watching her play. I see him a s a father, but he is not my earthly dad. He laughs and plays too, holding me, twirling me around, and talks to me. I feel such joy and love, and yet it all feels strange because I am watching myself. I see her and she is 3, showing off much like my 4 yr old did today, and he is watching on, asking to see more and taking great joy in seeing her.  I see a glimpse of him holding her as an infant, gazing down, soaking her in, loving her. I see her at 12, sitting near the tree, taking about what is going on in her life. He is just sitting and listening, still loving…arm around her shoulders.

God told me that was Him and how He has felt over me, just like I feel for my children, only more than I can imagine.”

While reflecting on this vision, I got a strong sense that my battle is not yet over…I still have a long way to go. I am so thankful that God let me see this, as it is helping my healing along further…just knowing that He has been there even before I was born. He has been that way over everyone! How awesome is that?! Totally mind-boggling! So anyway, my journey continues on, and the battle rages on, but for now I have a better perspective.

So for now, I feel so much better. The fog of the depression has lifted, and I am able to have a little more resolve and able to hold myself up a little better.  I have the strength to be able to keep going, and know that whatever happens, God loves me, and always has…He is the One who will never change, and I never have to worry about Him pushing me aside or not loving me! I still have MUCH to work on, and MUCH healing left to happen, but I am so thankful for the boost in my strength.

Here are a couple of Psalms that I feel have helped and are helping me lately

Psa 30:1-12 ESV
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.
O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face; I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me! O LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Psa 139:1-24 ESV
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!