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Archive for July, 2010

These past 2-3 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion, pain, brokenness, honesty, and holding on for dear life to the Father. While I cannot share all the details of this particular time, I will try to post whats been on my heart during this time….

It seems for so many years, that God has been gently telling me, that its time to truly let go, and let Him heal my heart and mind…There have been times where it hasn’t been so gentle, and still I pushed it aside…thinking everything was fine…and this was something I could handle. If I wasn’t feeling anything, I had nothing to worry about.  All the years of hurt and abuse and self hatred, simmering inside….slowly coming to a boil. Hateful words and attitudes were spilling out of me, a reflection of the pain inside, hurting those around me, and building and building. All the while, my husband fought and fought to get me to see what was happening to me…and I had become someone so far from the woman he fell in love with. Through that one night, and the nights that followed, I felt I could not go on, and hear the truth…that my pain in the inside was causing my other half to hurt so deeply…all he wanted was for me to let him in, to help in anyway he could, and to trust him completely….with my whole being.  I look back and what I see in my husband, that passion and that hurt…must  be a glimpse of the same way God feels seeing me put myself through all this. He’s screaming , pleading for His daughter to let Him help her through all this!

I thought I was letting God in, and letting Him heal me….all I was doing is trying to do this and that to “feel” closer to God, when all along He was right there. I was doing all these things, thinking I could get closer to Him, while I was walking further away from Him at the same time. All the outward changes, they were nothing! All along, He wanted me to deal with this inward stuff, because the modesty, the headcovering, etc meant nothing, if my heart was still behind a wall. It was in that wall, that I found myself pouring judgments on those I claimed to love, and I had swore I never would have done that.

For years, I have been just sitting, letting life just happen. I have been just sitting on the couch, in a daze…perhaps even asleep… and all of this stuff happens, and I find myself sitting up, in  shock, that I have just let all this stuff happen…hurting my husband, hurting my children, and hurting God! I spent much time these weeks, accepting responsibility for what I have done wrong…and now with the encouragement from family and friends, and especially my husband, I am ready to quit beating myself up! Its time to get up of this couch, and get to work!

I have been changing what *I* know I can : how I treat my husband and my children. I am letting God work on my heart issues, and am working on accepting His love for me! This evening, I am taking a huge step….I am going to counseling. I am not ashamed to admit it! I have suffered with depression for over 19 yrs!!!! and I am sick of letting my past run my present and future. The abuse I went through, has no place telling me who I am any longer.  I am both scared and excited all at the same time 🙂 I am so looking forward to getting those tools I need to get through all of this. And with God’s help, I will!

I am so appreciative to my husband, my children, my family, my friends  for all the support and prayers 🙂 It means so much to see that people care! I pray that someday, that others will see the work God did my life during this time…because I couldn’t do this on my own…anything I have done to change, is because of Him!  I feel my joy coming back, slowly, and I even told hubby, “I think my “funny” is coming back!” lol 🙂

Well, that is it for now,  keep praying for us….and if you are going through something similar, please know that you are not alone!

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This will not be a very long blog…

I feel lead to change my blog again… if you are regular reader, you may notice some changes in the page tabs. I am thinking in the coming weeks I will be removing them. There are several reasons, but mainly I feel that they will not be the focus of my blog for this time. I have noticed there are a growing number of directories available for the info on those topics, and google, so its not really needed.

I am currently going through a growing time in my life and my faith, and it has not been a pleasant time, for sure. But I see what God is doing, and I know…ALL IS WELL! 🙂 I don’t plan on sharing details, but writing what I think is relevant in my healing, and what I think God wants others to know or at least consider. I will be leaving my past posts, as they serve as a reminder of my journey 🙂

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