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Archive for October, 2010

Since Tuesday, I have been feeling pretty good. The things going on have not changed much, but it seems my perspective has. Tuesday, I had written about the challenges I faced on Monday, and such, but the rest of Tuesday shaped up to be nothing short of remarkable! God knew (and knows!) what I needed, and came through…The past few months have been very difficult, I was praying for at something to happen or just a little break, so I could keep going. God answered that prayer, though a friend visiting, another one calling, an email, and a phone call from a family member, thanking me for one of the harder things I have done lately. I was really questioning myself, and this process of healing, and torn that it sometimes hurts other people.

That night, God had something else He wanted me to know.  I never expected Him to show me so clearly, but He did knowing, that I needed this more than anything. I was praying, and decided to do the safe place visualization. Some of you may know what that is, and others may not…essentially its a place in your mind that you can go, and feel God’s love any time, especially when you are overwhelmed or depressed. I have struggled with it, due to some of my personal issues, and the distractions that come with having family responsibilities. Anyway, I wanted to share it…I will be quoting from what I wrote down that night:

 

“I saw my tree. I walked around it a bit, sat down, then walked around a bit more. I felt myself looking up, warmth of the sun on my face. And I started to dance and twirl a bit, feeling happy and joyful, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I look toward my feet, and they seem to move away from me. I look up and see a blond haired girl dancing and playing, it feels like I am her, yet I am watching. I know that its me at about 6 yrs old. I see a man, who is watching on, taking great joy in watching her play. I see him a s a father, but he is not my earthly dad. He laughs and plays too, holding me, twirling me around, and talks to me. I feel such joy and love, and yet it all feels strange because I am watching myself. I see her and she is 3, showing off much like my 4 yr old did today, and he is watching on, asking to see more and taking great joy in seeing her.  I see a glimpse of him holding her as an infant, gazing down, soaking her in, loving her. I see her at 12, sitting near the tree, taking about what is going on in her life. He is just sitting and listening, still loving…arm around her shoulders.

God told me that was Him and how He has felt over me, just like I feel for my children, only more than I can imagine.”

 

While reflecting on this vision, I got a strong sense that my battle is not yet over…I still have a long way to go. I am so thankful that God let me see this, as it is helping my healing along further…just knowing that He has been there even before I was born. He has been that way over everyone! How awesome is that?! Totally mind-boggling! So anyway, my journey continues on, and the battle rages on, but for now I have a better perspective.

So for now, I feel so much better. The fog of the depression has lifted, and I am able to have a little more resolve and able to hold myself up a little better.  I have the strength to be able to keep going, and know that whatever happens, God loves me, and always has…He is the One who will never change, and I never have to worry about Him pushing me aside or not loving me! 🙂 I still have MUCH to work on, and MUCH healing left to happen, but I am so thankful for the boost in my strength.

Here are a couple of Psalms that I feel have helped and are helping me lately 🙂

Psa 30:1-12 ESV
I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.
O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face; I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me! O LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Psa 139:1-24 ESV
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

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Yesterday was a looooong day. High emotion from the start, and thankfully calming by the end. And I am even more thankful for a counselor who doesn’t beat around the bush when he sees me causing more issues on myself. Its always tough to hear, that yes, what has happened and is happening in my life is bad, and I continue to make it worse, because I am still not letting it all go to God ,even though I have had countless people telling me that’s what I need to do! Knowing what I need to do is one thing, but actually doing it….that’s the hard part!

With depression, I have no interest in anything, and my usual tendency to not finish things is that much worse. There are so many days I feel “fuzzy” and can’t remember to do much. There are some pretty specific things I need to be doing when I am in high emotional or depressed moment, but I struggle with even remembering! And then there is the blood pressure…ugh. Friday I had to go to the dr, because it was so high, 200/120, because of all the stress. Now I am looking at going on a very low dose antidepressant, because at this point the depression is controlling me, more than I can control it.

One thing I didn’t really count on in all of this, is that my healing could hurt other people. There have been a few situations lately that have shown me this, and yesterday it had hit me that it was tied to my healing. I hate to even have an thought that I might have hurt anyone…because that is not something I enjoy doing. In a couple of the situations,  I HAD to get the truth out, because I had hid it all for years (regarding some of the abuse I went through in my late teens early 20s). I never wanted to hurt others by not talking about it, but I did, and now they are left wondering what they could have done.  I see the hurt and the regret…but I hid it well, as I felt it was in the past and it was horrible, not even worth mentioning it. I felt I had chosen that relationship, so I chose the abuse (I know now that is not true, no one chooses to be abused). And then there is an issue of another I have hurt. I never intending for it to be like this, but sometimes its hard to control the thoughts that pop in your own head. I struggle with those and until I resolve all of that, I have to step back and work on me in this situation.

There are others hurt, and I am sorry, but at this point, I HAVE to do what I am lead to do by God (like telling the truth about the abuse I went through) and what I NEED to do because the counselor said I need to start healing. Its tough, to keep going through all of this, and its tough to know that things have to get worse for them to get better, sometimes. I keep going, not of my own strength, but the strength God gives me. I have to keep my eyes on Him, since He has always kept His eyes and hands on my life. 🙂

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October 2, 2010

Wow, its been a little while since I have posted! I wish I could say things are better…in some areas they are, others are in progress, and even others are definitely not. I really wish other people were in a place to share about their struggles with depression…as it might help me feel more hopeful. I wish I could share so much more about what  I am going through, but it is one of those things where it wouldn’t be beneficial for anyone involved for it to be totally public. There are a few who know some, and are praying for us, and I can say that its those prayers that help carry me through when I can’t carry myself. As hard as every thing is, I still believe God is good, and will get me through! I apologize to those who think I am being too negative in some of my facebook posts, but I firmly believe in not pretending everything is ok, when its not. I try to express how I am feeling, or when I need prayer, with out splashing out details in all my posts.

Within the past month, God has arranged through some pretty cool circumstances and people, for me to switch counselors. The lady I was going through was definitely not working, and I would never recommend any one to go to her. The counselor I see now, is definitely a gift from God, and a Godly man, and is guiding me and praying for me through this process. I am immensely thankful for that! I feel like I am finally working toward healing….though I realize that sometimes things have to get more painful, before the healing can occur.

I feel broken beyond what I can describe, and greatly weary from the past few months…but God is piecing me together making and my life will be beautiful… (I still wish I could find the movie clip from the movie “Joshua” that was made back in 2002 that I am referring too lol) My ultimate prayer is that God will heal EVERYTHING that is going on right now…and give me the focus to see it in my heart, even if I don’t see it with my eyes.

Recently we have switched churches. I might have mentioned that in a previous post. I am enjoying the new church a lot, its just taking some time to plug in, with all the stuff going on here and decisions on where to plug in exactly.  I miss my friends at the old church, and hopefully I can clear my head long enough to keep in contact with them. [Note to them: I love you guys, and think and pray for you all often! I can feel your prayers for us!]

Anyway, I hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling with depression is that you will see hope… I have a note for you as well: Do not wait to get help…do not think you have to do it by yourself! If you wait, you do more harm to yourself, your family and your relationships. My struggle would be far easier had I only gotten help years and years ago…my family would not be hurting like they are because of the baggage I carried. Its a scary journey, I cannot lie, its tough. But I know in the end, it will all be worth it! Even if you think no one is there, there is always someone there, sometimes depression wants us to think we are alone and can’t do it, but we can! Depression covers things….I am a pretty positive person…but the depression clouds that to where all I see is negative. I have to remind myself daily, minute by minute, that things are not as bad as it seems at the moment.

Anyway, there is my little update…I don’t have much else to say right now lol 🙂

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