Archive for January, 2012

Now that we got that out of the way, time to dive into this blog post. lol! It seems that this has been something that has been in my heart lately, probably because I both love and that I am that way. A couple of years ago I wrote a post about hating that I am shy. I didn’t think much has changed since then (as far as the frustration of that part of me) but I know God has been causing me to think on it more and more.

For as long as I can remember, I have been shy, and anxious around people. The problem is that you can’t avoid being around them unless you want to be seriously messed up. I end up feeling torn  because I feel that way but I also have the intense need for fellowship with other people. I used to accept it just who I was, and I can’t change that…but I am pretty sure God called me on my crap lol. I have went through part of my life not caring what others think and speaking my mind. Then the more I got hurt by others, the more I pulled back. The more I pulled back, the more depressed I got.

I know without a doubt and believe that God has healed me of my depression. I am so thankful for that!!! But I also know that there is always a possibility I could fall back into depression, if I don’t learn to deal with triggers.  One of my triggers happens to be fear (anxiety). Fear can be healthy in truly dangerous situations, but in everyday life, it takes the focus off of what reality is. My social anxiety causes me to over analyze each situation.  There are many reasons why: I don’t want to embarrass myself, I want other people to like/accept me, sometimes for reasons I can’t figure out.  I get so worked up, I can hardly talk straight and I think I won’t make it through.

When I look at this side of me logically, I kind of laugh at it.  It seems so silly for those who don’t struggle with it…but it’s a very real problem. I see how absurd it is…to be fearful of talking with people I don’t know…to be scared of some new situation. I struggle to make friends… I don’t get it. This is probably the one area of my life that the enemy routinely attacks from, and I have got to stop it.

God has already done so much  in my life in the past year and a half.  Before that, I was withdrawn, depressed…just letting life happen… waiting to die. I was so deep into depression and anxiety, I really believe it messed up my brain function (it’s tough to describe, but things are just different than what they were) I had pushed away any and everybody I had ever cared about, convinced nobody could every really care for me. Over this time period, I have been healed (thank you,Jesus!!!!) of the depression. The healing from the anxiety has been slower. I continue to push myself by serving in different areas at church. I love helping others, and doing what I can.

I had been doing alright for a while, but there have been a couple of situations over the last couple of weeks that reminded me that I still have a long way to go. God has also been reminding me over and over, that He wants ALL of me…not just little bits. By letting this fear run my life, I am not trusting God to take care of those situations and I am not giving Him everything.  And that ties into a fear of completely letting go….ugh! lol  I know that as I let go, then God can fill those areas where fear tends to take over.

I used to pray that God would make me different…that I would be bold and outspoken. I have had dreams/visions of speaking in front of crowds sharing my story of how God has changed me. I still want those things, just not in the same degree. I want to embrace myself for who God has created me to be. I may not be overly bold or outspoken. I may never speak in front of crowds,but my reason should not be based out of fear

Psalms 27:1  Of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?


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