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Archive for August, 2012

My heart stood still
As I wondered,
if I should ever survive.
One cut.
then two…
Taken to my core.
Pieces taken off….
As the rest of me
threatens to shatter,
for the pressure was too great.
Mind racing
yet calm,
So unnatural in such a time.
How many pieces I had left….
will never be known.
He took the fragments,
cast aside by the enemy
(for he was foolish enough
to think nothing could survive)
He took them,
held them close…
until time.
Rearranging and fashioning.
healing
Preparing my way
for His calling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Were You enough even then,
to contain that which was in me?
Surrounding me…
with beings with shields and swords.
Encamping,
not a dart blazed through.
And when I could no longer hold myself up,
They held my arms and legs at
Your command.
You were enough,
for You gave me which was in me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lifting up my hand,
reaching through the dirt,
as if to breathe my first.
Awakening from a slumber
that crept upon me…
not even realizing my dream
and reality had merged…
yet it was no the dream
it could have been.
Not the dream it should have been.
Washing me, mending me
taking such time, such care.
While I let go of my control,
for my own sin lead to a live burial.
Opening my eyes to the gift,
a new dream,
that fits into my reality.
Not my own dream,
but His.

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The horrors of those moments
barely a whisper in the mind.
Survival somehow arrived
in the time needed most.
Memories faded, blurred with time…
Thoughts occur every now and again,
What was worse…
for it to have been a stranger?
or for it to be the one who was known?
Would it have mattered,
if the consent was there?
In those moments
fear was realized,
life could have been ended,
one or both.
Even during the nightmares
was Peace,
From the One
who knew every harm,
whispering, “Hold on…”
while shielding my heart,
my spirit.
Hurt still present,
but resiliency was strong.
He was there,
in those twilight images.
Through shock
Through tears and pleas
Holding close,
in a heavenly embrace.
Not a drop forgotten,
even as the splash continues to echo
ever so faintly.
what was meant for my destruction,
resulted in strength, in faith,
Life preserved and gained through Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was pain,
too hard to bear.
My mouth was silenced,
my voice was not there.
Going through the motions,
Barely getting by.
No one really noticed,
how much I did cry.
It was my burden
to carry all alone.
No help needed,
I’ll do it on my own.
That came with a cost,
to be isolated
From those that cared.
Myself, I hated.
One day, when nearly gone
came a wake up call
not to be forgotten
not wanted at all.
He sees the big picture
and is seeing me through
Never forsaking
Always knowing what to do.

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Stranded in the solitude of my despair
With love so deep, You saw me there.
Blinded by my sin and my shame,
Change me, Lord, I don’t want to be the same.

When I thought my life was in waste,
Your Words are the sweetness I taste.
I’ve been wondering all my life where You’ve been,
You were calling me again and again.

I want to lose myself in You
Lord, I will always worship You
To forget what’s behind,
To look forward to what’s ahead
Just to lose myself in You…
And let You make my life anew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(this one is very intense, it is about the abuse I went through with my 1st husband who suffered from bipolar disorder)

Up, toward the ceiling.
over, to the wall.
tv set, doorway.
permanently etched…
better than to be haunted
by eyes  possessed.
biding time until it was finished,
tears flowing silently,
knowing
no one knew of secrets, hidden well.
private pains…
protected heart by One who did know.
No questioning why
Just knowing
Someday knowledge would come.

They thought it destroyed
what was focused on One.
They thought the battle was won.

Up, toward the ceiling.
over, to the wall.
tv set, doorway.
Perhaps stood the angels,
waiting.
protecting life.
waiting for the time.

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Writings part 1

In the next few posts I will be putting up some original poetry that God helped me write over the years. Most of them deal with my faith journey, abuse, and battle with depression. Most of these I posted on my FB page and never got around to posting them on here. There will several poems in each post.

Heavenly songs
fill my room,
of where does it come?
ever so faintly
growing.
In my heart knowing
of things that have no
End.
Only One.
He made us ever-seeking
even while pleasing ourselves.
unsettled.
wanting more.
Turning one day,
to the One there,
all along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mountains, they call
like a long lost love.
Calling on the gentle breeze,
beckoning with the morning sun.
There is comfort in trailing
the rise and fall
of each peak with the eyes.
Mounts, clothed in green,
raising each fiber in praise,
of the One,
Who fashioned each careful stitch.

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It seems that every time I leave from my Grandma’s I have to fight tears for the next hour or so. I can’t tell you how hard it is to drive away to her frail body standing on her porch watching us drive off. I can hardly remember a time she wasn’t standing there when we left, the only difference then was a taller, stronger (physically), and younger Grandma. Even now, I am crying, because I know all too well that as old as she is, she has few days left. It could be tomorrow or in the next year or two, but not many more.

I find myself wanting to spend every day I can, even if I have to hear her read all the side effects that her meds may cause, or even if I have to hear the same story 15 times. To hear the nuggets of our family history and the ups and downs of her and Grandpa’s 50 year marriage are priceless. The look of pride on her face when she hears how far I have come in the last couple of years means more to me than anyone can ever know. How my heart aches when she hints at how lonely she is, or when she confesses she ventured out for a drive (even though I know full well she probably has no business going alone anyhow). I can’t tell you how much I dread losing her, but know that one day I will see her, and she will be the stronger, healthier Grandma I remember alongside my Grandpa who has been waiting on her to join him up there.

The elderly have a special place in my heart. I used to be annoyed when I was a cashier in high school, when an old person would take forever or chit chat my ear away. I had lessons to learn though losing my Grandpa to cancer, watching my Grandma stay by his side almost every second, and working as a CNA at a nursing home and home health. It was there God showed me how to truly serve others, while preparing them for the next phase of life, physical death. Here are these people, piled into nursing homes, alone at home, where ever, and they are forgotten. These people have AMAZING stories to tell, wisdom to pass on, and love to give if we would only stop long enough.

Our lives are truly not that busy, and we should not be making excuses. Yes, it’s emotionally draining, and it’s going to hurt to see them so frail. But my oldest daughter’s observation makes my heart warm, “Grandma sure likes to give BIG kisses on the cheek!” I am so thankful that my older 2 will be able to remember their Great Grandma clearly, and my youngest will probably have bits and pieces of memories, but most of all they will remember her love for them. I hope when I am old that I will have as much love for everyone as she does, but with one difference to not be so alone.

People, Life is too short. I know that there are several of my friends who know this too well. I don’t care how old your loved ones are, this moment could be their last. Don’t wait to spend time with them. Don’t wait to listen to them. And most of all don’t forget the elderly. Spend time with those you love, and not just your kids. Never grow too old for Grandma’s big hugs and kisses either, because I sure haven’t…

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In this post I want to talk a little bit (or a lot! LOL) about my experiences and growth in leadership.  I will be honest, I don’t feel like a born leader. I have struggled so much with fear and depression over the years, and I am an introvert. I was for the most part a follower in many aspects of my life. I did have some leadership experiences in the past, but it was not intentional. I think it had more to do with my dependability and knowledge than being the typical leader type person. I feel totally unqualified and unprepared most of the time. And with all that being said, I find it utterly hysterical that God would even choose me to lead anything.

Leading in Konnect was a result of God choosing me. I knew God wanted me to serve, and so I put myself out there, in total trust that I would be put where God wanted me to be. All the while, I was secretly hoping it would be something easy. I think God must have said to the angels, “Hey watch Kristie’s face as soon as she hears where I want her!” and He laughed. Then came the shock as the words “experience captain” came out. I think I probably looked terrified, but I knew to dismiss it would be the wrong choice. My thoughts were, ”Ok, this is REAL funny, but I will do it, because its where You want me. I will trust You, knowing You will help me.”

One of the things that I love about LC is that leadership is so important. Once you hang around for a little bit, you see that there are so many different type of leaders, and these leaders are mentoring other people to develop their skills. It sounds like something so simple, but I see that the leaders don’t necessarily stay in LC, sometimes they go off and start their own ministries and business. Leadership is very much a living organism at this church, and I am totally amazed. I have not been to a church or business that does so much to pour into their leaders and future leaders. They don’t just tell you to watch a video or read a book, it’s all about action and learning through multiple sources. It doesn’t matter whether you are a volunteer or employee, there are opportunities if you want them. It’s been such a huge blessing to be a part of a church like LC.

I have only been leading in Konnect since January, but I feel like I have grown and learned so much. I recognize now that just because I am not an extrovert, it does not mean I can’t lead. Even if I feel a slight hesitation in a situation, I choose to push through the discomfort, knowing I will grow. There are many times I wonder what in the world I got myself into, but I KNOW deep down in my heart that this is His will. I will be uncomfortable, I will be pushed and stretched, and I will make it.

I am learning to recognize my weaknesses so that I can improve those areas. I am also learning to recognize other people’s talents and gifts so they can help me learn and so that they can grow too. My desire is to learn all I can, and to do that I am learning to be more teachable. Sometimes that means that people call me out, and let me know what I am doing is wrong or needs to be tuned up. I have to keep in mind not to take it personally. The area I am tuning up right now because it was brought to my attention is being direct. That is something I struggle with so much because I like details…sometimes too much! lol In the past, the smallest constructive criticism would send me into tears. I think it was because I want to do well, and it hurts to hear that you have stuff you need to deal with sometimes. God has helped me been helping me see these things as they are and not personal attacks. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is for my benefit and because I mess up does not mean I am worthless or a screw up.

I can hardly believe how much I have grown, all with my Father’s help. Only He could do this…but it also takes being willing to let Him help. I have to be willing to trust that He is leading me in the right area. He is going to refine me, and yes, it’s going to hurt sometimes. I have to remain flexible, so He can mold me into what He wants me to be. To be a leader, I have to submit to the Leader. I have to follow the One so I can lead others according to His will. It’s a huge responsibility, but I know that He will give me what I need to be successful.

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Of Beauty…

The thing on my brain the past few days has been make-up. Yes, you read that right make-up. Before you dismiss this as a post on the usage of or some girly blah blah blah, give me a sec.

Now this might seem a little weird coming from a woman, but there are plenty of things I don’t understand about us females, and make-up is probably one of the top things. I was such a tomboy growing up, and hated most things frilly, resented puberty and worrying about my appearance was an annoyance. Maybe it has to do with my lack of coordination when it comes to doing my or my daughters’ hair and my make-up too, I don’t know. (To be honest, I do wear some but I have very sensitive  and oilier-than-most-teenagers skin, so it’s not very much.)

Part of me gets irritated when I see a female with tons of make-up. In my opinion, if I can’t recognize you sans make-up, then you are probably wearing too much.  I have to admit, I will stare all the while wondering what she must look like without it. Every once in a while I will catch a news article like “Celebrities Without Makeup!!”. With some of pics, I can hardly recognize them. And often, these women are beautiful without it, or at least look like the rest of us.

There are plenty of times I just hate what our society decides is beauty. I hate that my friends feel like they have to cover their gray hairs or hide their wrinkles. I have no clue how I will react when I come to that point in my life, but I hope my attitude will be similar to what it is now. I do not want to hide anything of myself like that. I want people to accept me and want to be around me based on my heart for God, not how I look. Yes, I will wear a little make-up and fix my hair a little bit, but I am not going to go all nuts over it.

I find myself hurting for my fellow sisters and my daughters. I want so bad for all them to know how beautiful they are, without all these things that society tells us that we need.  We don’t have to buy into all that crap. We don’t need to fall into the lies that we are not pretty enough. I think the enemy wants to keep us from the confidence that God has to offer. We were fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Our Father created us with His own hands, without make-up, without creams, dyes, etc. His works are wonderful.  His creation is awe inspiring. Sisters, WE are part of His works and creation! We are wonderful, and He chose to make us this way. He did not make a mistake.

And as I write this, I realize this is written just as much as to convince myself as others. I get so sick of struggling over stuff like this. I want to make more of an effort to tell my friends they look beautiful even if they aren’t wearing make-up. I want to do what I can to not reinforce society’s standards, and start promoting God’s. Change has to begin somewhere…

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