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Archive for June, 2013

Difficult Decisions

It seems like my life is never the way I plan it. Every time I turn around, God seems to have other plans. Sometimes I take it well, and just accept it, and other times I just cry through it, very unhappy about the turn of events. Even with my disappointment, I still say something like this aloud to myself, “God, I am NOT at all happy with this, but I trust that You are good, and You know what is best.”

Just last week I was so excited to be starting back to school. But a couple of days into it, I had a very sinking feeling that this may not work.  I knew it would be hard, but I had no clue that it would be such an emotional thing for me.  It had only been 2 years or so since my last classes, but my life had changed so much since then. At that time I was a full time student and not working. Now I have a full time job that is emotionally draining (and physically at times too).

Sunday night I was reluctantly checking my next part of my English assignment, and it hit me all at once. All I could do was shut off my laptop and cry. It’s not that the work was too hard, but it was so many things. I LOVE to write, but I hate to write for assignments. My joy had become my dread, and it hurt. Then I realized that even at this early part of the semester I was quickly spending so much time on assignments. I sat in the living room or dining room for hours working hard to do my work with my headphones in my ears. My kids would be watching tv or playing outside, and I hardly said anything to them before they went to bed. I would work all day in a very draining (yet rewarding) profession, and barely have time to make dinner. Then my own relationship with God was suffering as well. This was not at all what I wanted, and not what I wanted for my kids.

I prayed about the whole thing. I wanted to spend more time with my kids during these challenging years. I wanted to concentrate on doing better at my job. Finally, I wanted to make sure that God stayed a priority. I knew by the feeling deep in me that no piece of paper and potential of more money would be worth my kids or my relationship with God.  I knew without a doubt what I had to do.

After some careful research, and considering what this could do to my future financial aid, I decided to drop my classes. I cried off and on, because part of me felt like such a failure and idiot. I felt bad because I felt I had let a lot of people down that were cheering me on. Yet, the burden of what going to school was placing on me was gone, and I knew without a doubt that I was walking in obedience to what the Father wanted from me.

I know I will have some struggles financially for quite some time, but it will all be worth it in the end. My kids will know that I love them and want to spend time with them.  My other “kids” at work, will get the love and support they need from me. And I get the opportunity to spend more time with God, and eventually get back to serving soon.

This life is too short to live with regrets. I spent many years regretting not going to college, but God has a way of showing us a greater way.  Over the past few years, He has shown me what is important, and it’s not always what I had dreamt for myself.  He has given me clarity in my life, and I am ok with it! If I never go to college again, I am finally at a point where that does not matter to me. Now, God may open the door later on, and then I may take it. But IF that doesn’t happen, then I know I will not regret it. When I look at my 3 children, and know that I actually have time to talk to them and hang out, I regret nothing.  As they grow up, I will not regret missing a moment.  and the more I get to spend time with God and read His word, I do not regret a second of it.

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Today was the day I took a journey I had wanted to do for years. Various things came up and life happened, and it took so much longer than I wanted. I remember bringing it up off and on to people in my life, and several could not understand why. What can I say to explain? It’s just something deep in my spirit I knew I needed to do.

Early Friday morning, God told me it needed to be this weekend, specifically Saturday morning. All I could do was agree, knowing it was for the best. I had wanted my best friend there, but she was unable to make it. God let me know I HAD to do this, even if it meant I go alone. Then I watched an insane storm form over the Oklahoma City metro (tornadoes and up to 10 inches of rain in 24 hrs), and wondered if I would be able to even make it through the area I needed to go. He gave me peace, I knew we would make it through the storm and had faith that the route I had to drive would be clear. I went to bed, wondering what the morning would bring.

I slept in this morning, giving time for the flood waters to clear from the rain. The sun shining seemed to be God’s blessing on it all, and doing a quick check online revealed that way I needed to go would be ok to drive. So off I went, with Josh Garrels playing in the background…I can hardly find a more appropriate soundtrack to help me heal. The drive was quick, until I hit Moore. People slowed on the interstate to see the devastation the tornado had left. A bit of anger rose up, while driving 10 mph. Here was an area, that people lost everything, and people are almost at a standstill staring. It’s just not right and it slows down those who are trying to get through to actually help. (but that is a whole different topic)

My journey continues, and I am amazed by the changes Norman has had since my teenage years. Then I come up on Noble, where things have not really changed that much. I drive through the small town, until I reach the cemetery. Turning I take a deep breath, noting a funeral happening and another green tent awaiting its ceremony.  I struggle to remember where the grave I am looking for is, fearing it’s too close to the funeral in session.  My grief was so great on the 2 other times I was there, I couldn’t remember. I pull off to a far corner, and walk near the only thing I remember from all those years ago, a flagpole. I walk, uncertain of where I should walk, as graves seem too sacred to walk across. Whispering a prayer, I just keep walking, and looking down I nearly trip over the very grave I was looking for.

Looking down, I see it, and I freeze. I close my eyes and tears flow, even after nearly 9 years, they still flow. I pray, things between me and him and God. Making peace with my past, a whisper of forgiveness on the breeze for all the abuse I had suffered at the hands of mental illness. I breathe a deep breath, eyes still closed, and am startled by the sounds of “Taps” playing at the funeral ending, and then the chirps of the police car escorting mourners to the other tent. It all seemed strangely poetic for this moment.

Few people understand why I would do this. That is ok, they don’t have to understand. This is my life and my grieving process…and when God tells me to do something, I do it. I have worked through so much these years, and I knew I had to do this for my healing. In my heart, I feel that this may be my last journey to his grave. I am fine with that, because today I received a gift from him and my heavenly Father. A gift of freedom.

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