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Archive for November, 2013

Conspire with me.
Show me your heart and all that lies within.
Let’s see how much good we can do!
In the quiet…scheming.
Creating beauty through secret acts between us and God.
Extravagant gifts and over-the-top acts of service…
The day’s end filled with whispers of joy and adventure.
Praising and thanking Him for allowing us to be some small part.

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There are few things as moving as witnessing some one show genuine love for others. Big hugs, and sturdy greetings with sincere eye contact. The receiver wears an expression showing how much it means to them to be loved as they are.

In my adventures this weekend, I was blessed to witness such an exchange and it was beautiful. I spent the evening observing and processing, while inwardly scolding myself for being such a goof when introduced to quite a few people that I did not know. Nothing quite like standing there awkwardly after giving my name, while the others are standing there waiting for some polite conversation to occur. This was one of those times where I wished I had a t-shirt or memorized phrase to spout off something to the effect of: please excuse any weird behavior. I am an introvert trying to cope with a new situation and/or human interaction.

Lately God has been bringing back to my heart the desire to love people, build relationships, and serve them in whatever way possible. I am not talking about the pretty, everything is perfect type stuff. I am talking about the beautiful, messy, walking with imperfect people toward a perfect God journey. I am talking about Mother Teresa in the slums of India loving lepers and helping people die with dignity, and Shane Claiborne becoming “family” with the people in a not-so-pretty neighborhood in Philly.

Honestly, I don’t know where He wants me to go with this or what He wants me to do from here. It scares me a bit, like the anxiety of going up the sharp incline of a roller coaster. I don’t even know how to go about it when I struggle to interact with people. I don’t know if it will be something I will just discover and do one day, or whether I will be a part of a team that could help me in the areas I am weak in. Sometimes it can be so terrifyingly exciting thinking about it! I am thankful that He is the one orchestrating it, because I have no clue how its all going to happen.

All I know is this I want to serve God. I want to serve others. I want to love people, not just say it. Family is my main core value and I want others to feel the sense of family, especially those who don’t quite fit in. If I could do anything with my life, I would serve others full time, whether it be local mission work, helping local churches or smaller non-profits. When I think about all those things, it makes me both happy to know where my heart is, but sad I am not there yet. I am in a place where I don’t know where that fits into my current life, especially as a single mom of 3 kids. There are times I feel so discouraged because it feels impossible, yet I feel excited to have a goal to attain even if I have no clue how I will get to it or what it will look like.

So for now I keep praying, hoping, and learning as I go. I know God has this all mapped out, and will guide my steps. It gives me a peace know that its ok to go through all these thoughts and feel overwhelmed and excited all at the same time. My prayer is that in the end, it will be yet another small chapter in the big story of God big love for us.

 

 

 

 

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It turns out I have been running away, I didn’t even realize it.

I have spent the last few years on a journey with God to heal and grow. I spent much of that time hurting over the circumstances that forced me to change. To be honest, even recently, anger would rise up every time I see or hear my ex and his fiance. As much as I claimed to be in the process of forgiveness and acknowledged how things are so much better now, I felt  the twinge of hate and bitterness towards them for what happened. Everyone tells me how much I deserve to feel this way, and that it’s all ok. I would nod along in agreement, allowing those feelings to continue to grow. I would say how I prayed that they would both just love God, and grow closer to Him…all while I secretly hoped they would be cursed for what they did. The whisper I heard in my spirit…”You hypocrite!”

I have spent many nights crying to God (and there have been a few moments where I screamed it out).

“WHY!!!??!?!?!”

“I didn’t deserve this! I didn’t choose this!”

“It’s not fair! They get to have each other, and here I am…alone… Yet again! Its not right!”

Of course, in real life, there were far more words and tons more weeping, but you get the picture. During the day, I would pretend everything was great, all was forgiven and that loneliness didn’t exist, because that is what “good” Christians do.

It’s been quite some time since I have had a night like that. This year I finally had started feeling at peace over where I was at in all of this, diving into working, serving and such. Much of my anger was diminishing, and as much as possible (since we have child) , I kept an “I don’t care” attitude about my ex and his life. I was feeling relief, thinking that I had finally made it to the point where I had an acceptable amount of forgiveness, all things considered.

Apparently God had something else He wanted me to work through. Denial.  My reaction: Wha?! (looking around at the imaginary person behind me) What do you mean “denial”? Seriously?!

Denial about my singleness. Denial about being a single parent. Denial about this part of my life. It’s not like I was pretending to be “taken” or that I was still married. God pointed out I was avoiding associating with anything that could label me as such. Earlier this year, I (VERY reluctantly) went to a single moms event . I loved the ladies from our church, but felt ashamed of my circumstance. I tried to find Lifegroups that were a mix of everyone (single, married, young, old, etc) to avoid anything remotely “single” or “divorced”. I didn’t want to accept it, probably out of the “It’s not fair” thinking. Heck, even on Facebook, I refused to put “single” or any status! I didn’t choose it, so I didn’t have to accept it. (God reminds me that’s a victim mentality…) Then my mind goes into thought-process-geek-out-mode: tied to all of that is a fear that stepping into a relationship would then validate my former status as single which should have never happened because it wasn’t my fault. (deep breath)  o_O

Ok. God, I get it. I have to accept my singleness and my past. I have to quit playing the victim. If I ever want a healthy relationship I HAVE to accept, let God heal me and give me COMPLETE peace. Its all part of living in truth…self truth, the kind He reveals to help us grow. In that truth, I am able to go a little further in forgiving others and myself. Thank God, He loves us too much to let us remain the same… (and I will be changing my status to reflect my acceptance, not that I am actively “looking”! LOL 😉 )

 

 

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