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Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

It turns out I have been running away, I didn’t even realize it.

I have spent the last few years on a journey with God to heal and grow. I spent much of that time hurting over the circumstances that forced me to change. To be honest, even recently, anger would rise up every time I see or hear my ex and his fiance. As much as I claimed to be in the process of forgiveness and acknowledged how things are so much better now, I felt  the twinge of hate and bitterness towards them for what happened. Everyone tells me how much I deserve to feel this way, and that it’s all ok. I would nod along in agreement, allowing those feelings to continue to grow. I would say how I prayed that they would both just love God, and grow closer to Him…all while I secretly hoped they would be cursed for what they did. The whisper I heard in my spirit…”You hypocrite!”

I have spent many nights crying to God (and there have been a few moments where I screamed it out).

“WHY!!!??!?!?!”

“I didn’t deserve this! I didn’t choose this!”

“It’s not fair! They get to have each other, and here I am…alone… Yet again! Its not right!”

Of course, in real life, there were far more words and tons more weeping, but you get the picture. During the day, I would pretend everything was great, all was forgiven and that loneliness didn’t exist, because that is what “good” Christians do.

It’s been quite some time since I have had a night like that. This year I finally had started feeling at peace over where I was at in all of this, diving into working, serving and such. Much of my anger was diminishing, and as much as possible (since we have child) , I kept an “I don’t care” attitude about my ex and his life. I was feeling relief, thinking that I had finally made it to the point where I had an acceptable amount of forgiveness, all things considered.

Apparently God had something else He wanted me to work through. Denial.  My reaction: Wha?! (looking around at the imaginary person behind me) What do you mean “denial”? Seriously?!

Denial about my singleness. Denial about being a single parent. Denial about this part of my life. It’s not like I was pretending to be “taken” or that I was still married. God pointed out I was avoiding associating with anything that could label me as such. Earlier this year, I (VERY reluctantly) went to a single moms event . I loved the ladies from our church, but felt ashamed of my circumstance. I tried to find Lifegroups that were a mix of everyone (single, married, young, old, etc) to avoid anything remotely “single” or “divorced”. I didn’t want to accept it, probably out of the “It’s not fair” thinking. Heck, even on Facebook, I refused to put “single” or any status! I didn’t choose it, so I didn’t have to accept it. (God reminds me that’s a victim mentality…) Then my mind goes into thought-process-geek-out-mode: tied to all of that is a fear that stepping into a relationship would then validate my former status as single which should have never happened because it wasn’t my fault. (deep breath)  o_O

Ok. God, I get it. I have to accept my singleness and my past. I have to quit playing the victim. If I ever want a healthy relationship I HAVE to accept, let God heal me and give me COMPLETE peace. Its all part of living in truth…self truth, the kind He reveals to help us grow. In that truth, I am able to go a little further in forgiving others and myself. Thank God, He loves us too much to let us remain the same… (and I will be changing my status to reflect my acceptance, not that I am actively “looking”! LOL 😉 )

 

 

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This is one of those posts that has been brewing in my head for several weeks. The more I think about the who thing, the more I hurt that people actually say and do such things to others that also serve Jesus.

For my birthday last month, one of my best friends and both of our kids got to celebrate by going out and grabbing dinner. Afterwards we went to go check out purity rings…

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This was something we had talked about several times, and we thought it would be an awesome reminder of our promise to God to wait for marriage before having sex. I will be honest, it took a little more prodding for me and my daughter getting all excited that I was going to get a purity ring too. Any reservations I had, dissipated when we got our rings on our fingers, and I knew this was something awesome.

Little did I know that the biggest opposition would be from other Christians. My friend was caught off guard by some comments that someone had made to her, and it broke my heart that someone would say things without thinking of the damage it could do. I won’t go into all the details of what was said, but it did give me a lot to think about.

It seems like there is some sort of weird standard when it comes to purity. It’s great to do the whole “True Love Waits” thing when you are a teen (or single adult). If you had sex then you be a “born-again virgin” or something.  Everything is great, and people supported you 100%.  Now let’s say you are a divorced parent… then things change a bit. Apparently, you are suddenly in a whole different category. It is assumed that you obviously didn’t wait for your “true love” and you are damaged goods. You might as well not even try, just go on keep having sex because it’s not going to do you any good to even try to be “pure”.  Essentially, it means nothing to God for you to wait for whatever, and it’s totally ridiculous to even want a purity ring.

People can choose to believe what they want about the whole thing, but it really upsets me that they find it necessary to vocalize those beliefs. Here’s the deal, they have no idea what the circumstances were surrounding the divorce or having kids. They have no idea what people like us have to deal with emotionally.  We struggle daily with our choices both good and bad.

I can tell you that most days I do think about my past, and wonder who would even want me. But what keeps me going is my love for God and wanting to do what He wants me to do. What I pray is that my brothers and sisters in Christ will encourage each other more. And I pray for those who feel like they need to make others feel like they are worthless, that God will give them a glimpse of what it’s like in our shoes and what Christ has done for us. I am thankful for my other friends in Christ who are in similar shoes, choosing purity after divorce. For myself, I don’t regret this decision. The fact is that I will be able to look back and not regret it. It will serve as a great example for my kids who have been through so much. Most of all I am so excited by what God is doing in my life as a result of obedience.

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a milestone …

This is the week that my “year of firsts” ends. I can’t say just how happy I am that God has brought me through!

It was a year ago that I finally stood up for myself and my children and told my now exhusband to leave. He had told me a year earlier that he wanted a divorce and so started a difficult time of arguments, and him spending way too much time with his “best friend” I gave him many opportunities to repent and come back to his family, even having godly men talk to him with little results. I told him it was me or her…and that if he could not let that friendship go then he had to leave. He chose to leave and a few days later I found out that they got an apt together. And then I was a mess and was brought to a point where I opened up to others at our church and let them minister to me in my time of need.

So much has happened in a year! So many challenging things, so many blessings! God has healed me of depression and anxiety. He brought me thru 2 weeks of withdrawals from my antidepressant.  He has provided miraculously for me and my children. I aced my very 1st semester of college (one day I will go back!). He provided me with an awesome job with a church that has helped change my life. He is continually healing my hurts and restoring my children who have been through so much. He has brought some awesome people into my life. He has opened the doors of restoration with my relationship with my family. There is so much more I could list! God is good!

While I hated that I had to go through this, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have grown so much and feel so much more alive. I still have my ups and downs. I still feel a range of emotions when I see my ex (or his girlfriend for that matter) I allow myself to feel them, but not consume me so I don’t get bitter. No matter what I feel at the moment, my prayer is that they both truly experience God’s love for them and be in relationship with Him.

My anger and hurt have already faded some over this last year, and am looking forward to healing more in the future. I cannot be more thankful for a loving God who has brought me thru!

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