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Posts Tagged ‘personal growth’

It turns out I have been running away, I didn’t even realize it.

I have spent the last few years on a journey with God to heal and grow. I spent much of that time hurting over the circumstances that forced me to change. To be honest, even recently, anger would rise up every time I see or hear my ex and his fiance. As much as I claimed to be in the process of forgiveness and acknowledged how things are so much better now, I felt  the twinge of hate and bitterness towards them for what happened. Everyone tells me how much I deserve to feel this way, and that it’s all ok. I would nod along in agreement, allowing those feelings to continue to grow. I would say how I prayed that they would both just love God, and grow closer to Him…all while I secretly hoped they would be cursed for what they did. The whisper I heard in my spirit…”You hypocrite!”

I have spent many nights crying to God (and there have been a few moments where I screamed it out).

“WHY!!!??!?!?!”

“I didn’t deserve this! I didn’t choose this!”

“It’s not fair! They get to have each other, and here I am…alone… Yet again! Its not right!”

Of course, in real life, there were far more words and tons more weeping, but you get the picture. During the day, I would pretend everything was great, all was forgiven and that loneliness didn’t exist, because that is what “good” Christians do.

It’s been quite some time since I have had a night like that. This year I finally had started feeling at peace over where I was at in all of this, diving into working, serving and such. Much of my anger was diminishing, and as much as possible (since we have child) , I kept an “I don’t care” attitude about my ex and his life. I was feeling relief, thinking that I had finally made it to the point where I had an acceptable amount of forgiveness, all things considered.

Apparently God had something else He wanted me to work through. Denial.  My reaction: Wha?! (looking around at the imaginary person behind me) What do you mean “denial”? Seriously?!

Denial about my singleness. Denial about being a single parent. Denial about this part of my life. It’s not like I was pretending to be “taken” or that I was still married. God pointed out I was avoiding associating with anything that could label me as such. Earlier this year, I (VERY reluctantly) went to a single moms event . I loved the ladies from our church, but felt ashamed of my circumstance. I tried to find Lifegroups that were a mix of everyone (single, married, young, old, etc) to avoid anything remotely “single” or “divorced”. I didn’t want to accept it, probably out of the “It’s not fair” thinking. Heck, even on Facebook, I refused to put “single” or any status! I didn’t choose it, so I didn’t have to accept it. (God reminds me that’s a victim mentality…) Then my mind goes into thought-process-geek-out-mode: tied to all of that is a fear that stepping into a relationship would then validate my former status as single which should have never happened because it wasn’t my fault. (deep breath)  o_O

Ok. God, I get it. I have to accept my singleness and my past. I have to quit playing the victim. If I ever want a healthy relationship I HAVE to accept, let God heal me and give me COMPLETE peace. Its all part of living in truth…self truth, the kind He reveals to help us grow. In that truth, I am able to go a little further in forgiving others and myself. Thank God, He loves us too much to let us remain the same… (and I will be changing my status to reflect my acceptance, not that I am actively “looking”! LOL 😉 )

 

 

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In this post I want to talk a little bit (or a lot! LOL) about my experiences and growth in leadership.  I will be honest, I don’t feel like a born leader. I have struggled so much with fear and depression over the years, and I am an introvert. I was for the most part a follower in many aspects of my life. I did have some leadership experiences in the past, but it was not intentional. I think it had more to do with my dependability and knowledge than being the typical leader type person. I feel totally unqualified and unprepared most of the time. And with all that being said, I find it utterly hysterical that God would even choose me to lead anything.

Leading in Konnect was a result of God choosing me. I knew God wanted me to serve, and so I put myself out there, in total trust that I would be put where God wanted me to be. All the while, I was secretly hoping it would be something easy. I think God must have said to the angels, “Hey watch Kristie’s face as soon as she hears where I want her!” and He laughed. Then came the shock as the words “experience captain” came out. I think I probably looked terrified, but I knew to dismiss it would be the wrong choice. My thoughts were, ”Ok, this is REAL funny, but I will do it, because its where You want me. I will trust You, knowing You will help me.”

One of the things that I love about LC is that leadership is so important. Once you hang around for a little bit, you see that there are so many different type of leaders, and these leaders are mentoring other people to develop their skills. It sounds like something so simple, but I see that the leaders don’t necessarily stay in LC, sometimes they go off and start their own ministries and business. Leadership is very much a living organism at this church, and I am totally amazed. I have not been to a church or business that does so much to pour into their leaders and future leaders. They don’t just tell you to watch a video or read a book, it’s all about action and learning through multiple sources. It doesn’t matter whether you are a volunteer or employee, there are opportunities if you want them. It’s been such a huge blessing to be a part of a church like LC.

I have only been leading in Konnect since January, but I feel like I have grown and learned so much. I recognize now that just because I am not an extrovert, it does not mean I can’t lead. Even if I feel a slight hesitation in a situation, I choose to push through the discomfort, knowing I will grow. There are many times I wonder what in the world I got myself into, but I KNOW deep down in my heart that this is His will. I will be uncomfortable, I will be pushed and stretched, and I will make it.

I am learning to recognize my weaknesses so that I can improve those areas. I am also learning to recognize other people’s talents and gifts so they can help me learn and so that they can grow too. My desire is to learn all I can, and to do that I am learning to be more teachable. Sometimes that means that people call me out, and let me know what I am doing is wrong or needs to be tuned up. I have to keep in mind not to take it personally. The area I am tuning up right now because it was brought to my attention is being direct. That is something I struggle with so much because I like details…sometimes too much! lol In the past, the smallest constructive criticism would send me into tears. I think it was because I want to do well, and it hurts to hear that you have stuff you need to deal with sometimes. God has helped me been helping me see these things as they are and not personal attacks. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is for my benefit and because I mess up does not mean I am worthless or a screw up.

I can hardly believe how much I have grown, all with my Father’s help. Only He could do this…but it also takes being willing to let Him help. I have to be willing to trust that He is leading me in the right area. He is going to refine me, and yes, it’s going to hurt sometimes. I have to remain flexible, so He can mold me into what He wants me to be. To be a leader, I have to submit to the Leader. I have to follow the One so I can lead others according to His will. It’s a huge responsibility, but I know that He will give me what I need to be successful.

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